The day after my first ER visit, I felt awful. The depression and fatigue hit me like I have never experienced before. Understand this... my Life has been "no bowl of cherries", believe me. The fatigue was so great that I felt like I was talking through Mud instead of Air. Every step was an effort. I felt trapped in my own Body. I felt so claustrophobic, that I would often just howl and weep in my own home! I know that must sound odd, but it is the only way to describe it. It would torment me every day without stop, until I would break down. The Mental Fatigue was especially nightmarish. Talking on the phone for five minutes was exhausting! Life itself became a Nightmare that I could not awaken from.
Within a week, I was convinced that I would die very soon. This was more than Diabetes. How could anyone feel this bad and live?
Being prudent, I started to prepare for my death. You find yourself getting rid of items that are personal, which you don't want anyone to see. As you are doing this, you realize that you are no longer part of life... you've become part of death. You actually are planning the end of your life! That Job you did not get, the woman that would not Love you, the car you could not afford meant very little now. For in your mind, it is over... "the bell tolls for thee."
Making your own Funeral arrangements is "THE" wake up call.
For months this goes on; one horrible day after another I would walk through my own home like a ghost. It was now feeling like my tomb. This illness made me feel like a corpse. A feeling that made death look like the only answer.
I would go to sleep and often would hope I would die in my sleep like my Mother. I just didn't want to spend one more day on this Earth if all I had to look forward to was this feeling and worse. What sense did it make to stay? I had lived for 55 years. My Parents were already gone, plus no one lives forever But I had always thought I would die at an older age. You see, at this point in a serious illness you have to come to terms with the end of your life. In my case, I started to plan in my mind the best way to commit suicide!
But this is not as simple as one would think,as I found out.
On two occasions I even put a gun to my head, but could not bring myself to be that selfish. Here's why; there are people who Love and care for me. If not for them, you and I would never have met on this website. I would have ended my life, no doubt about it.I really feel I outlived my death.
What made things worse, my beloved little furry friend "Frankie" (my cat)
became ill at the same time! He had been with me fourteen years. I loved him dearly. To watch him get sicker and sicker by the day, it just took any heart I had left, out. I had a thought one day... we'll just cross over to the other side together. I wonder sometimes if the reason I am still here is that night, when contemplating suicide, I couldn't bring myself to shoot Frankie first. Just knowing I was not going to leave him behind. When you're this sick, you actually become psychotic! You start to lose yourself, your identity, to be quite honest... you lose your mind at times.
Read on: Part 3